


don’t stop, trying to find me here (amidst the chaos)

by freewillandphysics



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Kara doesn't know that Lena knows, post-reveal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-02
Updated: 2019-12-11
Packaged: 2020-07-29 05:02:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20076583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freewillandphysics/pseuds/freewillandphysics
Summary: lena's afraid she's going to shatter into a million pieceskara is using all her strength to hold her togetherthey find comfort where they can in the chaos





	1. because you didn't know the truth

**Author's Note:**

> Blame Sara Bareilles for this

_I know you miss the world, the one you knew/The one where everything made sense/Because you didn't know the truth_

* * *

“Lena killed someone. Lena murdered Lex. He’s dead. Lena _ killed _him” has played on a constant loop in Kara Danvers head for the past twenty four hours.

It’s all she can think about now, as she stands in front of Lena’s apartment door, with a bag of her favorite risotto, from her favorite Italian place in the city, as she stands outside of her door trying to pluck up the courage to knock.

She knew something was wrong, knew it in every fiber of her being despite no concrete proof, the same way all of her cells constantly remind her that the sun is supposed to be red. She’d known it since that game night last month. Kara had already been worried about Lena with everything that happened, but she knew the moment she walked in the room that something was wrong. 

She acted as though everything was normal, because that was clearly what Lena was trying to, but something was off. Lena is a very good liar, although she has a few tells that Kara can pick up on. She’s not sure if she’s able to because of her best friend status, her super powers, or a combination of both. She thinks even Alex was fooled by Lena’ game night performance. But Kara knew better.

She couldn’t express in words, even to herself, the difference. Lena was controlling every physiological response she could, which means only a Kryptonian could detect the things she couldn’t. The best Kara could come up with was that it was she was vibrating at a slightly different frequency.

It is a source of constant frustration for her that she speaks 14 languages and none of them have words for the majority of what she’s feeling. She’s the only being alive who grew up on Krypton _ and _ Earth. It got easier after she became Supergirl. Kal has some terms for their powers and experiences, and Alex and Winn came a bunch of them too. Ever reporters or citizens will coin a phrase for Supergirl’s powers. They’re not necessarily wrong, but also not exactly accurate.

Fans of Kara’s work often talk about how they love how descriptive her writing is. How it makes them feel like they were actually there. She always smiles at the praise, but every time it reminds her of lifetime searching for words that never existed to describe sensations no one else has ever felt.

So she knew the first time she saw Lena after Lex died that something was wrong. But she literally couldn’t say what it was, and Lena was telling either.

Until she was.

* * *

_ Lena’s been avoiding Kara and their friends for almost a month. Well, not avoiding exactly. She still dutifully shows up to game night, and lunches, and the DEO when Alex asks for help. But she’s also not _ there _ completely. She’s shut a piece of herself off from all of them and only Kara can see it. _

_ Kara has seen her 22 times in the last 30 days and hasn’t once felt like she and Lena were even in the same room. _

_ She tries to be patient, tries to listen to Alex talk about trauma and making people feel safe. (Alex has thrown a lot of psychological jargon at her recently, which Kara thinks has to do less with Lena and more with Alex regularly making out with a psychologist these days. If her sister hadn’t been so happy lately, it might have annoyed her.) _

_ And she has, been patient, for an entire month, in 22 encounters. (29 including encounters with Supergirl, which Kara can’t, obviously). _

_ Okay, so most of her patience has to do with wanting her best friend to be okay. And a tiny bit of it has to do with wanting her best friend to be okay _ just enough _ that she can finally tell her she’s Supergirl. _

_ So, after a month, she gets a little impatient. _

_ They’re sitting on the balcony of Lena’s apartment, after dinner and a movie. The entire structure is under 100 square feet, but Kara couldn’t feel as though they were further apart if she were on Argo City. So she carefully broaches the subject. _

_ “So, uh, what’s been up with you?” _

_ Lena balks, for just a split second, before she whips around to face Kara, eyes cold. “Excuse me?” _

_ “Well I…I just meant like hello, how ya been, what’s up, you know?” She swings her arm, punching at the air, in a show of faux casualness and regrets it immediately. _

_ Lena’s not buying it. “And if that’s what you meant, why didn’t you ask me that 4 hours ago, when you arrived?” _

_ “I forgot?” _

_ Lena looks at her unimpressed. _

_ “Fine. I didn’t forget. And I didn’t mean… Something’s been wrong, for awhile now, _ I know it _ . And at first I thought it was everything with Lex, and James, and everything else, but now I think it’s something more. And I just wish you’d talk to me about it.” _

_ “You wish _ I _ would talk to _you”, Lena says incredulously 

_ “Yes? I mean, no! I mean it doesn’t have to be me! I just wish you’d talk to _ someone _ . I know something is weighing on you and I just want you to be okay.” Somehow Lena gets madder as she speaks and Kara doesn’t know why. _

_ “And if I don’t _ want _ to talk about it? Surely you don’t have to tell anyone everything about you, even your best friend, just because they ask...” _

_ “No! I mean, yes! You’re right. You don’t owe me anything. But you owe it to yourself to have someone to help you with whatever you’re dealing with” _

_ “Is that so?” Her voice cracks on the last syllable, and a range of emotions passes over her face before her expression goes cold again. Kara can decipher all of them, could even without her superior perception. She’s spent enough time with Lena, processing with Lena, facing near-certain death with Lena, that she knows that she’s not only furious that this made her upset, but that she’s horrified that she may cry, that whatever weakness she perceives in herself may be visible. _

_ Kara knows enough to give Lena the grace of ignoring it. _

_ “Do you want to know what I’m dealing with?” she asks in what Kara dubs (only ever in her head) ‘Luthor-mode’, all perfect posture and intense eyes, in a voice calm and even, annunciating just enough that the underlying threat isn’t missed. _

_ Now it’s Kara’s voice that cracks in one syllable. “Yes” _

_ For a split second Lena’s expression is wide open. This time Kara is sure she would have missed it, if it weren’t for her Kyptonian reflexes. Even in the moment Kara knows she’ll be dwelling on that image for months. Lena seems to make a decision, certain as always, as she locks back into Luthor mode. _

_ “I killed Lex” _

_ Kara is frozen. She’s not sure what she expected, but it wasn’t this. _

_ “To be clear, I murdered him, in cold blood. He manipulated me into finding him, and he started to insult me, with one of his lengthy self-righteous speeches. And I’d heard enough of them for a lifetime, so I shot him. In the chest. Then I watched him bleed out.” _

_ Kara gasps, not only at Lena’s words, but also the barely restrained glee in her voice as she said them. “Lee- no...Supergirl killed Lex. He fell..He couldn’t have survived th-” _

_ Lena laughs, humorlessly. It haunts Kara, her favorite sound, devoid of anything she loves about it, and she’s stunned silent. She briefly wonders if any language in the universe has a word for whatever noise Lena’s making. _

_ Through her non-laughter, Lena gets out “no, as per usual, Supergirl just couldn’t get the job done when it mattered”. She scoffs, smug. That expression almost always precedes her taking a sip of whatever alcoholic beverage is closest. There does turn out to be a split second where Lena seeks out her glass of scotch only to realize it’s empty. She’s disappointed but too stubborn to actually go refill it. _

_ Watching it would have filled Kara’s chest with warmth, in any other moment but this one. _

_ “Well, I...sorry, it’s not y- I’m just processing” _

_ “I’m sure you are” Lena says as she actually does walk inside briefly to grab her bottle of Macallan 72. She feigns carelessness, but Kara knows she considers that bottle her strongest armor. _

_ ‘Lena killed someone. Lena murdered Lex. He’s dead. Lena killed him’ starts repeating in her mind, but that’s not what’s paralyzing her. Her entire being is wrestling with the fact that her first response to Lena’s confession was regret. She wishes that Supergirl did kill Lex. If it’d kept Lena from having to do it, from having to face him one more time. So much of Kara’s identity hangs on her reluctance to kill, and now she wishes for nothing more than do have done it properly. If she could go back in time, she’d fly him higher first. She’d use her powers. She do it over and over for the rest of eternity if it would spare Lena from the hollow chuckle she just heard. _

_ After wrangling with this realization, she has to contend with her next intrusive thought, that she wants to confess to Lena. Now. She wants to apologize for failing to offer this one grisly mercy. Her hand is halfway to her glasses before she realizes how selfish it would be for her to come out now. How she can’t make this moment about herself, or her and Lena, or their families’ decades-long feud. This moment needs to be about Lena and how she was forced to kill the only person to offer her comfort after her entire world was ripped away. Her Alex. _

_ “Lena, I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I’m so sorry Supergirl couldn’t spare you that agony. I’m so sorry you felt you had to keep it inside for a month. And, you _ didn’t _ kill him in cold blood, no matter what happened during that meeting. What you did was self-defense, not just for you but for all of us, the whole human race.” _

_ Lena, who’s expression started to open and eyes started to glass over as Kara was talking, closed off completely at that point and she cut her off. “Stop. Please. I don’t, I don’t want one of your speeches, and I don’t need you to tell me I’m a good person or that you believe in me. I don’t want any...I guess it’s like you said, I just didn’t want to keep it inside anymore. So now I’ve told you, and you can do with that information what you’d like.” _

_ “Lena, I would _never-”

_ “Kara” her voice cracks again. This time it’s harder for her to compose herself. She takes a deep breath, and a 6000 dollar shot of scotch as Kara stands helplessly, before continuing, steadier with “I think what I really need right now, Kara, is to be left alone for a bit. _Please.”

_ “I- okay. Can...can I hug you?” Kara gets out through tears. _

_ Lena’s body language says no as she forces a nod and says “sure”. Kara makes sure to hug her tight, but quick, like she needs, and finds there’s almost no comfort in it, for either of them. Lena is holding her tight, one arm around her shoulder, one around her waist, head against Kara’s neck, like always. But something’s off. She’s still so shut down, even after this huge confession. She’s still vibrating at the wrong frequency. _

_ Kara vows to get to the bottom of it as she turns and walks away, before stopping, turning back and putting as much sincerity into “Lena, I promise you, I will _ always _ have your back” as she can. _

_ Lena doesn’t even try to speak this time. Just looks at Kara with a dismissive nod, as she holds back tears. Kara knows Lena wants her gone before she breaks down, so she turns, against all of her instincts and walks away. _

_ She decides to walk home, and listens to Lena’s sobs the entire way. _

_ She’ll keep Lena’s secret, give her space tonight. But she’s going to make sure she tries again tomorrow. _


	2. we’re all just hunters seeking solid ground

_ that's how it works/'til the bottom drops out and you learn/we're all just hunters seeking solid ground _

* * *

As soon as she opens up the door, Lena knows it’s a mistake borne of weakness. Not seeing Kara, even after everything she now knows, is physically painful, like the ache before the first sip of scotch. Something she knows she needs now but will feel shame about indulging for days or months. Like the acid in her throat and her stomach from the thing that killed her father and may eventually kill her too that somehow still hurts less than the twisting want in her chest the moment before she grabs the bottle. 

She opens the door for the same reason she always pours a second drink - good old fashioned Luthor indulgence and self destruction. At least she comes by it honestly; from decades in a house full of people devoted to nothing but power and misery. Or maybe these impulses have nothing to do with the Luthors at all; maybe she gets it from a woman who casually strolled into a cold lake, and then never bothered to come back out. 

She knows it’s Kara because Kara texted saying that she was coming over to check on her and bring her food, and that she expects nothing from Lena beyond that. 

Before, Lena would have been perplexed at Kara’s fierce devotion to her wellbeing, even after what she’d confessed last night. She’d wonder what game Kara could possibly be playing, until eventually Kara would keep showing up until she believed a little bit more that sometimes some people exist just to take care of each other. 

But now she does know better. She knows that Kara _ is _ playing some long game that Lena can’t even conceive of. Lena has spent her whole life devoted to chess, to learning all of the ways she can stay several moves ahead of everyone else.

And then she found out Kara’d come into her life and flipped the board over, until they were playing another game entirely, and Lena was too distracted by her stupid beautiful face to even notice.

Every time she’s in the same room as Kara now, she has to process every interaction through at least two lenses. Every time she’s not in the same room as Kara she’s processing past interactions in the same way.

It’s exhausting and frustrating and...maddening. It’s maddening. She understands, perhaps for the first time, how Lex went mad.

It’s not only the double life that’s getting to her. Even if she takes her friendship and her emotions out of it, Kara’s behavior is literally driving her crazy.

Lex used to go on diatribes about how Superman was misusing his power. About how someone who could harness the sun was wasting his time helping old ladies cross the street and pull cats out of trees. About how he would know better about how to wield such strength. That it was a privilege wasted on aliens who shouldn’t even have had the chance to inhabit this planet in the first place.

Lena still isn’t set on world domination, or even turning towards the dark comfort of xenophobia. But every time Kara announces herself by text, or waits for a door to be opened, Lena moves a little further away from sanity.

_ That _ is the reason she had so much trouble reconciling the two. Not because Kara’s disguise is any good, or because she was terrified of losing her best friend. But because the restraint Kara shows in her personal life seems inconceivable based on what she’s known to do in her professional one.

Lena has seen Supergirl perform feats nothing short of miracles, seen displays of strength and endurance she wouldn’t have believed if she didn’t witness it first hand. She would often wonder how Supergirl was brandishing that power when she wasn’t in the public eye. While Kara, somewhere across town, would be eating junk food with her sister, or looking up lists of synonyms, or picking out the perfect pair of comfy pajamas for Lena.

One of the most dangerous beings in the world spends hours painstakingly deciding which pattern goes best with which fabric to best help Lena Luthor rest comfortably.

_ It doesn’t make any sense. _

“I brought your favorite”, Kara says sheepishly, breaking Lena out of her internal monologue. And she did, based on the design of the bag, and the way it smells, it is indeed Lena’s favorite risotto, from her favorite Italian place in the city. 

“I brought my favorite too. I mean, not my _ favorite _ favorite, obviously, that would be Mr. Chow’s, but my favorite from _ your _ favorite…”

Lena finds herself being affectionately pulled into the comfort of Kara’s ramble until she catches herself, and wonders if Supergirl is actually more dangerous like this after all.

“Anyway. I mean, I got myself food too. So I could eat with you, or I could just take it with me. If I do stay we could talk, or not talk, about whatever you want.” she says as she eyes Lena meaningfully. 

Before, Lena would have taken comfort in the fact that Kara, at her most careful, has the subtlety of a commercial for a used car dealership. But now, knowing even that is a ruse, Lena just feels hollow.

She thinks of the first moment the alcohol hits her brain after a shot as she silently invites Kara in.

As Kara walks past her to the kitchen she thinks that maybe it isn’t the bottle that ate away at her father that will get her too. Maybe it’ll be the last two remnants of another planet that ate away at her brother that will eventually do her in.

Kara begins talking about her day, doing her best to make eye contact with Lena as she absently gets everything they’ll need for dinner. Lena barely listens, instead letting herself drown in the fact that she’s been so deeply betrayed by someone who she let get comfortable enough in her home to know exactly how she organizes her silverware without even looking.

Kara’s chatter usually puts them both at ease when things are awkward, but now all Lena can think about is everything she’s leaving out. About how she’s lying even now. About how she’s been lying every moment of every conversation they’ve ever had.

About how that’s not actually true at all; that the reality is much worse.

Lately, Lena’s been thinking about all the times Kara told her the complete truth without her realizing it. About all the times she awed over Kara’s grasp of metaphor; about how Kara knew exactly how to describe even the most intangible situations. Like the time they sat on a beach in the dark and Kara told her about how lost and cold she was after she lost her family; about how she found solid ground after she landed with the Danvers. 

Lately, Lena’s wondering if anything Kara’s ever said has actually been a metaphor at all.

_ God, what an idiot. _

If you were to ask her, before she’d ever met Kara, what the worst part of this eventual realization would be, she’d think it was feeling so foolish, a cardinal sin for a Luthor. But that barely even registers now.

She used to take comfort in the fact that Kara was a bad liar. Each overly specific detail, each awkward turn of phrase, every shift of her glasses every time she wasn’t sure if she actually pulled it off. Lena used to revel in them. It was refreshing to be around such as bad liar after a lifetime with so many good ones.

But Kara isn’t a bad liar; she isn’t even a good liar.

No realization has been as painful as the fact that like Lex, like Lillian, Kara doesn’t need to lie at all, because she knows exactly how to wield the truth. Like now, as she’s describing how Supergirl gave her a tip that broke open her story.

Lena used to love sharing meals with Kara, with the Danvers family. Used to bask in their unpretentious warmth. But now even sitting two feet from Kara across her kitchen counter, she feels as cold as she did at the too-long dining room table in Luthor Manor.

But Lena is determined to win, or at least discover, whatever game it is that Supergirl is playing. And if she has to occasionally get knocked off balance with the intoxication of Kara’s smile until she remembers herself, that’s a risk she’s willing to take.

“Thanks, Kara. It looks fantastic. Let’s eat!”

* * *

_ Lena and Kara share a blanket not quite long enough to cover their bare feet as they sit on the sand staring at the ocean just after sunset. It’s Eliza’s birthday weekend, and apparently the only thing she asked for was for Kara to finally bring Lena up to Midvale for some relaxation. Alex said that in reality, the request was completely sincere, but came directly after Kara spent 20 minutes cataloging all of Eliza’s mugs, trying to figure out which was the best to serve Lena coffee in, and was likely made out of the desperate hope that Kara would stop talking about Lena’s first trip to Midvale once she actually made it. _

_ She trusts Alex version more; Kara’s always been a bit of an unreliable narrator. But the thought still makes her feel warm, that she exists to this family even when she’s not there, in this home she’d never even been to. She’s been a public figure since she was 4 years old; she was media trained before she could ride a bike. Lena is very aware that she always exists in other people’s perceptions, as a pawn or vapid socialite or villain. But, outside of maybe Sam and Ruby, she, as a real person, hasn’t been consistently considered in years. _

_ She likes the idea that hundreds of miles north, next to the sea, in the warm well-lit home that forged the Danvers women, people regularly imagine making her coffee. _

_ She agreed because she knew no matter what the reason, her trip _ would _ make Eliza happy, and she wanted to give her that for her birthday. _

_ So now she sits next to Kara, arms and legs barely touching as they both quietly stare out at the sea. It’s stillness she wouldn’t have thought Kara possible of until at least a few months into their friendship, when Lena started to really get to know her. _

_ Alex and Maggie are driving up tomorrow for a formal birthday celebration, but Kara had insisted she and Lena spend the whole weekend. Maggie told Alex to go up early too, since she’s the one whose job was holding them up but Alex told her that there’s always paperwork she could be catching up on and that she was “already way too fucking familiar with every moment of Kara’s first-trip itenerary for Lena”. Lena felt herself start to blush at the implications of that comment until Maggie jumped in to describe what she and Alex could do together during a long drive up the coast until the focus was on the Danvers girls’ vocal embarrassment and disgust. _

_ She’s been assured that tomorrow night on the beach there’ll be a bonfire, and birthday cake, and champagne and laughter. But tonight it’s just she and Kara sitting by the sea in silence. _

_ Until Kara starts talking, so quietly it takes Lena a moment to recognize it over the sound of the waves. _

_ “When I...When my parents died, and I lost my home, I was just so ...adrift, you know?” Lena silently nods, and Kara, still looking straight ahead, continues, “everything was so dark and cold, and I was so alone, for so long, _ lifetimes _ Lena. And I felt so trapped, but also sort of…” She quirks her head up to the stars, as if they’ll find her the right word, “...untethered. I didn’t know which way was up and I had nothing and no one to hold onto and it was like I was just...floating. Alone. In the dark. There was no sound and no gravity and I thought nobody would ever find me.” _

_ She takes a shaky breath which Lena knows means she’s trying not to cry, so Lena gently rests her head on Kara’s shoulder, the same way she does any time an animal gets hurt or sick in whatever movie they’re watching that week. _

_ Despite the emotionality of the moment, Lena considers that Kara would make a great novelist, or narrative non-fiction writer, if she ever decides that journalism is no longer the best way for her to save the world. She thinks this so she doesn’t think about a terrifying plane ride across the Atlantic, or a stuffed animal she no longer remembers the name of being thrown in the trash chute in front of her, or new accents and a too-big house and the chaos of a life she knew she’d never fit into well enough. _

_ She actively doesn’t think of how, when she was young, the only time she didn’t feel untethered was sitting just like this, with her head on her big brother’s shoulder. _

_ She doesn’t think of any of this because this moment is obviously important to Kara, and very decidedly not about her. _

_ After a few moments Kara rests her head against Lena’s before pulling back and looking at her for the first time in over an hour. _

_ “And then Clark brought me to the Danvers. And Jeremiah was so patient and Eliza was so kind, and Alex was so…”, she laughs, “Alex”. _

_ Lena can’t help but smile back. _

_ “And nothing was okay. Not for a really long time. But it was bright, and the birds were chirping, and I could feel the solid ground under my feet. And I knew I’d get there, you know? I knew I could make a home in this place. Someday.” _

_ She takes Lena’s closest hand in both of hers. _

_ “Here. In this place and in this family. On this beach. I started feeling gravity again.” _

_ Lena is so entranced by the sincerity in Kara’s eyes, made bluer by the moonlight, that she almost misses what comes next. _

_ “I know you don’t always feel like you fit anywhere, Lena. So I just wanted to tell you, from experience, this is a pretty good place to land. When you need that.” _

Oh. _ So this was actually kind of about her. _

_ Now Lena is the one slowly exhaling in an attempt not to cry. Kara senses this and pulls away. Despite her mind racing, she takes a moment to note how Kara knows exactly what she needs, even when it is the exact opposite of what Kara would need in the same situation, despite the fact that they’ve been friends less than a year. _

_ She almost tells Kara that she knows exactly what she means. About how she felt more grounded during Eliza’s welcome hug than she has for most of her life. About how the only way she can usually get anywhere close to that feeling is when she uses the oatmeal soap she imports from a tiny shop in Ireland she’s personally kept financially afloat for the last decade. The feeling of being swept up in the maternal warmth of someone who wants absolutely nothing from you except for you to feel safe for a few seconds. About how she hasn’t been given a glass of milk with dinner since half a world away her own mother would do so before cutting up her food. _

_ She appreciates how open Kara has been with her tonight but she needs more time to open that particular box she keeps locked up inside her, so she falls back onto a story about Lillian’s absurd behavior instead. _

_ “I...thank you. You know, Lillian always says ‘Everyone is either a predator or prey. And nobody preys on the Luthors.’ When we’d fight, and she thought I was making some spurious argument, she’d say ‘hunters require solid ground, Lena’. It used to infuriate me; all the violent metaphors she’d use to make sure I didn’t forget I wasn’t living up to the name.” _

_ She can feel Kara tense up beside her and realizes she’s inadvertently shared too much, “point being, I’m fairly certain that’s the closest my adoptive experience came to yours in that regard”. _

_ Kara takes the deflection at face value and laughs. But then says, seriously, “People aren’t wild animals in the jungle or something, Lena. People are just people. And Lillian is a jerk. And hunters are cruel! Okay I mean not all hunters; obviously we need meat, for pizza toppings and potsticker filling. But I think Lillian was referring more to sport than survival. Or maybe she was. It’s impossible to know what she’s thinking ever, because who else even _ thinks _ like that…” _

_ And before she knows it Lena is wrapped up in a patented Kara Danvers rant, and then Kara Danvers herself, as Lena leans in and Kara wraps a protective arm around her shoulders. Their heads find each other again. _

_ Once Kara peters out and they’re safe from the intimacy of looking at each other, Lena says “thank you. For telling me. And for what you said.” _

_ She expects Kara to brush off her appreciation with a sunny platitude, the way she usually does, but instead she says, solemnly, _

_ “You know, I don’t often say this, but I don’t think there’s anywhere else, in the _ universe _ , I’d rather be right now than here. With you.” _

_ “Me neither” _

_ They stay cuddled up, looking at the stars to the soundtrack of the tides, until Lena falls asleep. _


	3. i'll show you good

_ I'll show you good, restore your faith/I'll try and somehow make a meaning of the poison in this place _

* * *

Lena eats with the exacting speed and precision she always does, but Kara notices the lack of enjoyment in her eyes that usually accompanies this particular meal. Since Lena is determined to do normal, Kara does her best to keep up. And since Lena isn’t contributing much to the conversation, and since this is one of the very rare moments that Kara doesn’t have an appetite, the thing Kara would most normally be doing is rambling which she does with a flailing that’s intense even for her.

“So I was working on this piece today. Oh my GOD, Lena! So there were _ so _ many cute dogs. I’m sorry I didn’t send them to you but it was official business and they have to get processed first. So okay, you know how I’m up for the Pulitzer, right? Well Snapper thinks I didn’t quote “sow my oats” enough and is trying to put me back on puff pieces which I was a little mad about at first but now it’s _ fine _ because OMG Lena, he gave me this story on this puppy auction at the mall and all the puppies are _ so _ cute. I had a photographer with me and I made her promise she’d send me all the pictures. And Lena, you’re the boss! Email her and demand you get all her photos from this event, because I cannot even describe how _ adorable _ they are. There was this one that…”

Kara continues her story with fervor, which is in fact driven by the indescribable cuteness of those puppies, but she doesn’t pay any attention to anything but Lena. Lena faking a smile. Lena not savoring her favorite food. Lena paler and more gaunt than usual. Lena vibrating at the wrong Rao-forsaken frequency.

Of all the things Kara thought could have been wrong, Lena killing Lex was not among them. But she knew it was more than just Lex dying. Last week she forced Alex into testing a strand of Lena’s hair just to make sure she was sick or injured. Poison and radiation both crossed her mind, but Alex’s results ruled them out.

But now that she knows about Lex’s fate, she thinks maybe Lena _ was _ poisoned. She’s always referred to the ‘poison’ of the Luthor family; she’s always seen herself as infected despite all the good she’s done. Kara’s always done her best to absolve Lena of the Luthor legacy, but she’s never been able to get through to her. The _ only _ thing that truly scares her about Lena is her inability to believe in her own redemption. She’s been terrified of what will happen once Lena has whatever ‘proof’ she’s been looking for that she’s no good. Kara thinks maybe killing Lex was finally the thing that gave Lena permission to believe she’s irredeemable. 

As Kara watches her now she thinks of the Edge incident where Lena did believe that out of her desire to save the world, she dispersed the poison she’s always been so terrified of; that in her quest to recover from her own childhood, she ruined the childhoods of the kids of National City. Kara remembers how Lena, drunk and melancholy on several bottles of wine, told her that she wasn’t good. That evil was in her DNA. Kara remembers her begging her to stop believing her because she just wasn’t worth it. 

Kara remembers Lena, later, after she was absolved of all guilt, begging Supergirl to let her go in order to save the city. She told Lena then to climb and jump and Lena _ did _. She put her complete faith in Supergirl in the way she wasn’t able to with Kara the night before and clawed her way to safety until Kara could do the rest. 

This may be the first time in their friendship that Kara fears that neither version of herself will be able to get through to Lena. That this time she won’t be able to remind Lena of who she is until she lets go of her self-loathing enough to save herself and everyone else. 

Kara’s always thought she was specifically good at this particular skill because of her own history with family inheritances, both good and evil. Even on Earth, with the goodwill she got from Kal, from their family crest, she feels weighed down by his legacy.

She’s always been able to give Lena just enough truth as Kara to get through to her, or to talk to her as Supergirl if she needed to disclose something Kara couldn’t. But this time she’s stuck. She wants to tell Lena about Non, about Astra. She wants to tell her about how she forgave Alex for killing not only her beloved aunt, but one with her mother’s face. She wants to tell Lena how she got her mother back only after she found out about the immense damage she’d done on _ at least _ two planets. 

She wants to tell Lena that when she gets overwhelmed by the weight of her cousin’s cape or a planet mostly gone, she seeks out Lena’s heartbeat. And that when the home she’d just settled into became filled with poison, when even Alex had given up, Lena had swooped in and saved her. She wants to tell her how one of the few things she really wants in the universe is the chance to save Lena from her own brand of poison, or _ at least _ let Lena know how grateful she, Kara Danvers, is for the suit that kept her breathing.

But she can’t bring any of that up now as Kara, and she can’t bring most of that up as Supergirl without, at the very least, Lena believing Kara betrayed her confidence. 

She’s never hated her double life more than she does in this moment. She desperately wishes she had told Lena about Supergirl before this crisis, instead of ending up in a situation where the only way to make things between them better is to make everything worse. 

Lena, finally, mercifully, interrupts her puppy rant, by saying “You know of all the ways I’ve imagined myself having to resign from L-Corp in disgrace, abusing my powers to get early access to pictures of puppies was never one of them.” She punctuates the statement with a laugh and a sip of wine. There’s mirth in her voice, but not the right amount.

Even now, she’s being self-deprecating, as she uses all of her strength to hold herself together to perform whatever normalcy she needs either for herself of Kara’s sake.

Kara looks at her like this, shaky but determined, and gets a flash of Lena on that plane, just as Supergirl arrived on site. She was trying to keep her balance while single handedly holding back hundreds of gallons of poison to save the people of National City, until Supergirl could get there to save them.

She knows that even now, Lena is doing everything she can to hold on until Kara can find a way to help her. She makes a decision then and there, that no matter how difficult this is, no matter how long it takes, she will find a way to protect Lena from the Luthors’ poison that is at least as secure as the way Lena saved her. 

* * *

_ Kara has noticed that anytime Lena talks about her childhood, or about Lex, her voice is laced with melancholy, even when she’s relaying a positive experience. She always talks about how unable she is to escape from the Luthors’ ‘poison’, and while Kara doesn’t think that Lena is anywhere near as terrible as she seems to think she is, the Luthors did infect her with the blight of their misery, as it creeps into every story she tells. _

_ Lena loves science, is passionate about science. But now it’s always tied to the responsibility she thinks she has to use it for good. They’ve turned her greatest passionate desire into a desperate need. Lena is good as chess, but she lost the enjoyment that comes with the game years ago. Lena loves her brother, but he committed atrocities that made her believe she doesn't have the right to. _

_ Despite everything that happened with Clark and Jeremiah and Cadmus, Kara thinks this is the thing she hates the Luthors most for. They didn’t only make Lena terrified of self-destructing, they’ve sucked all the joy out of almost everything good she’s ever accomplished. _

_ Kara often thinks of her family on Krypton and her family on Earth when she feels overwhelmed. Even after everything she’s learned about them in the past few years, she can still feel the love and contentment she felt in any given childhood moment. And while having her biological mother back in her life brings up a host of issues she’s trying not to address, she can still revel in the peace she feels when they have a cup of tea together. She has thousands of songs and stories and movies that can bring back the simpler time of childhood without the complications of the present. And as far as she’s seen, Lena doesn’t have anything like that. _

_ Kara asks, when it’s appropriate, and sometimes when it’s not appropriate. She sometimes tests different activities while hyper-analyzing Lena’s every reaction. And then she finally finds something by accident one day at the DEO. _

_ Lena was there for the day helping Winn build a gadget, when Kara stopped by with lunch for all of them. She and Lena found Alex in the combat room where Kara was determined to convince her sister to actually stop and eat. Alex had been spending hours in the combat room since Maggie left, and since Kara couldn’t tire her out as Supergirl, she can at least get her to rest as her sister. _

_ As they argued, Kara noticed Lena expertly pick up an alien-derived saber. Kara’s face lit up and she immediately said “You’re good with that. Do you play?” She heard Alex snort behind her as Lena’s face broke out into a wide grin. _

_ “Well it’s combat, so you don’t really _ play _ , but yes, I fenced competitively for a long time, almost made it to the Olympics in 08.” _

_ Before Kara could praise her, Alex piped up behind her, “Let’s see what ya got, Luthor.” _

_ Kara shut that down immediately, since it’s exactly the type of thing they’d been there to prevent, when Alex decided leaning into big sisterhood was better than wallowing in that moment. _

_ “Well, since I gotta hit the showers anyway, why don’t you fence Lena, Kara?” _

_ Oh, Kara was gonna kill Alex next time they’re in this room alone. “I don’t know about that Alex; I’m not really the fighting type.” _

_ Alex, swiping a towel over her sweaty hair, turned to Lena and said “She’s being modest. Since my _ darling _ mild-mannered sister is always letting trouble find her, I’ve made her train with me for years. She can hold her own in dozens of types of combat, human and alien. Don’t go easy on her, Luthor.” _

_ Lena laughed and assured Alex with an “I certainly won’t” as Alex left the room and Kara tried to stare a hole in her retreating form without using her heat vision. _

_ Lena turned to Kara with a flourish of her sword and raised her eyebrow in a question. Kara said “okay, but just so you know, while this isn’t my favorite thing, I _ am _ pretty good at it, even though I don’t know all the official rules.” _

_ “That’s okay; we can just spar. Only rule is no hits above the shoulders, okay?” She stalked towards Kara like a predator with a glare in her eyes Kara thinks she must use in business negotiations. _

_ Kara did her best not to squeak her assent as she took the second sword Lena offered her. _

_ Lena stood a few feet away and did some complicated bow Kara tried to mimic. Then after another verbal okay, she lunged towards her. _

_ Kara managed to swerve out of the way and hit Lena’s saber away as Lena turned to her in surprise with a sincere “what the fuck?” Kara wouldn’t have heard without her super senses. She did her best not to laugh as she said “Alex and I told you I was pretty good.” _

_ Lena lit up as she said “So you did. Oh, _ it’s on _ , Danvers” _

_ They sparred until Alex came back, Lena sweaty and both of them grinning but determined. Then it was Alex’s turn to shepard them out of the combat room for lunch. _

_ It became a regular thing, fencing either at the DEO or Lena’s private gym. Lena teaches Kara the rules and point system, and after a few sessions, insists that they both wear uniform whites. The first day they put them on, they were both a breathless before the workout even started. _

_ Like chess, working out, and most science talk, Kara holds back so that Lena wins about 90% of the time. She doesn’t care at all about winning, but she knows Lena likes to be kept on her toes, and she likes the fire in her eyes after the rare occasion she’s bested. The physical restraint it takes Kara to appear human is enough to convince Lena it’s the workout that’s making her exert herself. _

_ Lena seems most like herself during these sessions. All of her usual intensity is there, but she’s also quicker to smile, and she seems more agile on her feet, like there’s less weight on her shoulders. Kara hopes Lena can see that she feels the exact same way. _

_ It’s the first time Kara can truly picture Lena as a kid; not just as the lonely orphaned daughter of the Luthor family, but as a little girl doing things just for the fun of them. _

_ Kara hasn’t admitted to Lena that she had any agenda other than fun between friends with these fencing matches, but as usual, Lena was already one step ahead. _

_ So now, as they eat Big Belly Burger on Lena’s pristine office couch, it catches Kara off guard when Lena says, apropos of nothing, “you know in the Luthor family, ‘almost made it to the Olympics’ translated as ‘didn’t make it to the Olympics’.” _

_ The topic caught Kara off-guard enough that she put her burger down, as Lena continued, _

_ “Lex was proud of me. The last time he brought it up though, we were sitting on the floor of his office, this office actually. And he only praised me to try to manipulate me into battling Superman with him.” _

_ Her eyes are clouding over and she shakes her head, so Kara cuts in “Lena…” _

_ Lena shakes her said harder, but with eyes clear this time and says, “It’s fine. That’s not… I really liked fencing. I still do. It was one of the few things I did for me, you know? Lillian thought it was a little too _ barbaric _ for a Luthor, which in retrospect…” She laughs, but without any amusement. “Anyway, I picked it up in boarding school, and once I started winning, my parents got on board. I think it made Lionel really proud, and Lex loved to goad his friends into fighting me so he could see them get their asses kicked by his nerdy little sister”. She laughs again, this time for real. “We all kind of put it away after the whole Olympics fiasco; after I missed my shot. But I’d forgotten, how much I liked it. Why I started in the first place.” _

_ She turns to Kara and looks her in the eye, “I know what you’ve been doing with the whole fencing thing. I knew from that second match that you were indulging me, and I just…” She takes Kara’s hands. “Thank you. Thank you for giving that me piece of myself back. It’s been a lot of fun sparring with you. I hope we can keep it up.” _

_ Kara’s in awe of Lena’s intelligence, and her vulnerability, and the slight sheen of grease on her hands that she’d never let anyone else except maybe Sam and Ruby see, and her voice cracks as she confirms “any time you want.” _

_ Lena says “good. That’s good.” just as seriously and then drops Kara’s hands and turns back to her burger. _

_ “So you really knew? This whole time?” _

_ Lena grins at her, lips closed as she chews, then after swallowing says “Darling, I don’t know when you’ll get it through your head that you’re nowhere near as sneaky as you think you are.” _

_ Kara’s stomach drops with that comment, but she plays along, “yeah, well, it still worked, so it looks like I was sneaky enough.” _

_ Lena laughs as she grabs a napkin and wipes some mayonnaise of the corner of Kara’s lip, and beams at her as she says “You know, I guess I can’t argue with that.” and Kara knows in that moment that she’ll do anything it takes, for as long as she’s allowed to make Lena smile at her like this. _


	4. the stars that we are swimming in

_ Convince you love, don't breathe it in/You were written in the stars that we are swimming in _

* * *

After dinner, Lena finds herself lounging on her balcony with Kara, in some facsimile of their normal routine, drinking scotch and eating tiramisu. Well, Lena is drinking scotch; Kara is drinking chocolate milk. 

Kara Danvers, one of the most powerful beings in the universe, is sitting on one of the most expensive pieces of real estate in the country, drinking a beverage marketed exclusively for children. Lena didn’t even know adults  _ drank _ chocolate milk, but Kara asked her if she could forgo her usual hot chocolate in favor of something colder on such a warm night.

Lena files the image, Kara smiling over at her with a milk mustache, away to spend hours focusing on later. She’s only on her second drink of the night, after her one glass of wine with dinner. And the scotch she drinks now is on the rocks, which is explained to Kara as wanting something chilled herself. Part of her wants to get drunk, wasted even. She wants to get messy and fall, just to see if Kara will still catch her. But that instinct is exactly what has her watching her alcohol consumption this evening..

She didn’t need it anyway; she’s drunk on Kara. On her warmth and her rambling and her smile. On the fact that she’s  _ trying _ despite every barrier Lena throws up. 

Lena’s aware that it’s happening, in the same way she is when she starts to feel a nice alcohol buzz. It’s the closest she ever comes to peace, and she lets herself revel in it now, even though it’s a terrible decision.

Lena’s brain works too much, and too fast. She’s always got at least 4 trains of thought going simultaneously, even when she’s black-out drunk. Alcohol doesn’t really change her thinking. But her feelings change completely after 4 or 5 drinks, mostly in that she actually has them. 

Lena has spent so much time putting all of her emotions into tiny boxes, that everything feels dulled, and it’s gotten to the point that she can’t even call them up when she wants to, when the experience calls for it. The idea of even looking into a single box terrifies her most of the time. She’s afraid of what may come pouring out of her.

But after a few drinks, she starts to  _ feel _ things, so intensely, and she’s never scared of any of them at all. Every single time she’s drunk, especially when she’s alone, she has another, then another, just trying to hold onto them. She always thinks she’s  _ just _ about to catch onto the meaning of something. Maybe even the meaning of her whole life. It always lies just beyond her grasp, but every time she drinks she believes she’s just one more drink away from holding onto it.

She always feels foolish in the morning, not only because she fell into the trap that she’d find it  _ again,  _ but that she went looking for it in the first place. And her memory of the experience never carries any of the wonder or importance it did the night before.

She knows that’s exactly where she is with Kara now - lulled into some sense that she’ll figure everything out if she just holds on. That if she just takes in a little more poison, she’ll figure out how not to need it anymore. She knows she’s going to hate herself tomorrow for succumbing. She knows that all of this evidence will hold up for inspection in the light, but without any semblance of the inexplicable hope she’s letting herself feel now.

Kara starts talking about the stars, likely in her quest to keep a sense of normalcy between them, as it’s one of their favorite shared topics, and the knife lodged inside her gut twists a little deeper. She feels it, even in her current haze, but it’s dull enough to make pretending just a little bit easier. She’ll be weighed down by Kara’s betrayal in this moment, as she does her not-quite-lying thing; taunting Lena with her secret history while Lena sits, quite literally in the dark. She can picture exactly how she’ll dissect this interaction later. 

But, she decides, buzzed on Kara’s smile and watered-down scotch, that she’ll leave it for later, and let her pull whatever normalcy she can from this interaction before she loses the best friend she’s ever had, forever. 

She’s taking her first bite of her dessert as Kara says “James told me you got him a private audience with the Vega photos”.

Lena waves her fork in a gesture of dismissal, but before she can swallow and make a verbal rebuttal, Kara keeps going with “Lee, come on. You know what those photos would mean to him. The first non-sun star ever photographed, and he got to hold the print in his hands? He  _ still  _ won’t shut up about it. It was such a thoughtful gift; something that stoked both his passion for photography and his extracurricular activities with Superman? As a  _ break-up  _ gift? Come on, Lena, you have to know that was pretty extraordinary.

Kara’s sincerity is boring a hole in Lena’s chest so she picks up on the one factual inaccuracy of the story. “It wasn’t a break-up gift. It was a Christmas gift. It was already arranged, I don’t know why I’d keep it from him just because we broke up before I planned to give it to him.”

“Exactly, I’m with you. But Alex told me that most people would never consider it. Especially after he was such a, well Alex used some words I don’t feel comfortable with, to you when you were together.” 

“Kara, he was fine.”

“He  _ was _ fine. And he is one of my best friends in the world and I love him. But he didn’t treat you the way you deserved when you were together.”

Lena scoffs as she rebuts, “yeah, well, I didn’t exactly treat him the way he deserved either.”

“Maybe that’s true. But you did give him an incredible gift, even after he hurt you. You’re good at taking care of people, Lena. I hope you’re able to believe that about yourself. Because it’s true.” 

Lena unexpectedly finds herself close to tears, which is the worst possible outcome of feeling her feelings when drunk on anything. So she deflects with facts about the Vega. About it’s constellation Lyra. About how it inspired the lyre of Orpheus. All things Kara knows, some of which Kara may have even told her, but Kara gives her the out as she listens.

She starts to actually lull herself into a sense of normalcy, so she lets it slip that she’s always identified with Orpheus. It’s closer to how they actually used to be than she’s comfortable with, but she doesn’t stop herself.

“When I was a kid, I always saw myself in the heroes, you know? Probably classic Luthor hubris…”

“Lena every kid does that.” 

“Yeah but I believed it. I think that’s why Orpheus was my favorite. He had that lyre. And he was so competent that the world bent to his feet. Even the gods couldn’t turn away. And I could always do things, create things that other people couldn’t. And I thought I could use it to make the whole world more beautiful. And then Lex went bad, and  _ everything  _ went bad. And every time I try to something good I literally endanger the safety of the  _ world _ , and I thought maybe I  _ am  _ actually Orpheus. Everything that lyre brought him, he lost. And even then, it gave him another chance, and he just..blew it. Every single time. He was too human to deserve the gifts he earned with his skill. I feel like every time I walk through hell, I can’t help but turn around, for just a  _ second,  _ and I lose everything all over again. I just..I don’t know.”

She takes a sip of scotch and yells at herself in her mind to pull it together. 

Kara is thoughtful as she starts “You know when I was...doing research on alien cultures, for my articles, I learned some of their mythologies.”

Lena is so far gone she barely even flinches with the terrible lie, and instead just replies with a steady, “of course”.

“That “don’t look back” myth is pretty common, all throughout the galaxy. The Christian bible starts with ‘In the beginning was the Word. And the Word was with God. And the Word was God.’ I, uh, I actually didn’t learn that from mythology though, it’s something Lois says all the time, if she thinks you’re insulting the necessity of journalism”

“Yeah, I believe I heard that once or twice myself,'' Lena says with a laugh.

Kara startles, and Lena knows it’s because Kara often forgets about Lena’s history with her cousin and his wife, and her brother. “Oh, that’s...yeah. I’m not surprised, she says it like all the time.” 

“When I was 14 I told her that actually, in the beginning was the hydrogen atom.”

Kara laughs, bright and easy, “How’d that go over?”

“She told me I had gumption...and then she spent 15 minutes telling me all the reasons I was wrong. Clark and Lex both loved it. Said it was about time Lois got pushback from someone who wasn’t afraid of her. 

You know, I’d never heard someone use ‘gumption’ in real life until then. And then not again until I met you. Did you get that from her?”

“No. I think it’s more likely we both got it from Clark. Who must have picked it up from the Kents, or old movies or something...I’m not sure”

Lena has completely surrendered to the type of easy conversation she’s probably never going to have with Kara, or anyone else, ever again, so she prompts “You were telling me about the Bible…”

“Oh. Right. So some alien races believe that literally. About the Word being there in the beginning, and about the Word being God. And that’s why so many cultures here on Earth, and all around the universe, actually, come up with the same stories. They were already here. Before the rest of us.”

“That sounds nice.”

“Yeah. I’ve always found comfort in it. Supergirl once told me, that they had a similar story, on Krypton. The closest thing they have to a God is Rao, their sun, so it’s like a God of light. Anyway, in the before, there were pilgrims, searching for the meaning of everything, and they came across an anuria, an animal, it’s like, I guess the closest thing here would be...a frog? One of the travelers fell ill, so they carried her in a blanket. The pond the anuria lived in was red, probably from silt, but the explanation then was its color came from the fact that it was where Rao stayed when he traveled to Krypton.” 

Kara scoffed when she said the word ‘silt’, completely lost in her story. Lena has never heard her talk about Krypton directly before. She’s never seen her eyes so hazy even when she’s telling all those not-quite-truths about her past. She’s grateful she’s already yielded to this moment, because she couldn’t have figured out all the moves in whatever game Kara is playing that got her to sincerely tell Lena about Krypton, now anyway. There’ll be plenty of time for that in the light of morning, so Lena just listens to the story at face value, as Kara continues, 

“The frog said that drinking from the pond would open each of the travelers eyes to everything. But that if they decided to forgo that ritual, and leave the sick woman with her, that all the creatures would perform a ritual bathing that would leave the woman healthy, and waiting for them when they got home. But there was a catch. In addition to their sacrifice, they had to head home immediately, to never speak of the anuria, or the pond, and never turn around, or look back, until they were at least two days distance away, or Rao’s wrath would fall upon them.

They all agreed to the anuria’s demands, despite the sick woman’s protests. They said their goodbyes. Among the group, was the woman’s match, like her soulmate here on Earth. She didn’t want to say goodbye, but the anuria’s rules were strict, and she wanted to take any chance that could save her love’s life. 

All of the pilgrims except the sick woman left, and after a little while, they could hear the creatures behind them, the splash of the pond. The sick woman’s match, she forgot, about the rules, and about her promise. She wanted to see her mate’s face one more time, just in case. She wanted to see that she was being properly taken care of. 

So she turned around.

But she didn’t turn to salt, or wind, or lose her lover, like in the other myths.

Rao granted her a softer punishment, because even though she disobeyed Him, her last thoughts were selfless. Her recklessness came from love. So she was turned into this huge crystalline structure. Rao’s light shines, shone, - ”

Lena’s heart breaks at the correction. 

“ - through it at exactly mid-day, and the light structure broke it up into all of its components, like a rainbow. Rao took her disobedience, and turned it into a monument. A reminder, that all of our mistakes can be turned into a thing of beauty if you just let the light in. And that sometimes our worst impulses are also our best.”

Kara, who’d been starting at the stars throughout the tale, turns to Lena then. 

“When I was...when Supergirl told me that story, she said that structure was still standing when she was growing up there. That it was one of the most awe-inspiring things she’s ever seen.

She also told me that, in a later myth, the sick woman saw what happened, and decided not to be healed. She didn’t want to return home without her love. The creatures agreed, so she drank from the pond, and then understood the meaning of everything. She lived in peace with the creatures for a few weeks, until she died. And then they buried her right on the spot where Rao’s light hit the ground through the structure. So that she was always in Rao’s light, through the prism of the most recklessly tender thing anyone had ever done for her. And so her match could continue proving her love forever.

That spot is marked off, so nobody can touch it. It’s as sacred as the structure. A reminder of everything we’re willing to give up, for even a brief glimpse at someone we love.”

Kara continues to keep eye contact with Lena, through the haze of unshed tears, and Lena doesn’t look away. 

“Supergirl said she always hated that part of the story when she was a girl. That she’d ignore it and imagine that the woman made it home healthy and lived out her days happily, with the rest of her friends. I used to agree with her. About not liking that part, but I see it differently now. I...I think I get it, you know?”

“I do.” Lena replies solemnly. “I like that story.”

“Me too. It’s one of my favorites.”

At this point, even Lena’s analytical brain couldn’t find a single way to affirm that she asked her next question for any strategic reason. Or deny that she hadn’t completely dropped the pretense, and was having a genuine emotional conversation with the best friend she’d ever have. “Do you think they’re happy like that? Together, even though it wasn’t the way they planned?”

“Well...they don’t exist anymore. They would have been lost with everything else. So…”

“ _ Kara. _ Come on, talking frogs, the secret of everything, a woman turned to glass. You believe in all that, and you don’t think they made it through one measly planet explosion together?”

Lena is teasing, but Kara looks genuinely shocked at the notion. “I….I guess I never thought of it that way.” She stills for a few seconds before she continues with “Maybe. Maybe they’re still together, space dust, all mingled together, with Rao’s light shining through them…”

Even as she allows herself the comfort of the conversation, Lena can’t help but notice that Kara didn’t deny her belief.

“But do you think they’re happy?”

“I don’t know about happy, but it does sound pretty peaceful, doesn’t it?”

“It does.” Lena confirms, and since she’s completely entrenched in whatever blurred boundaries that lie between them tonight, she can’t help but wheedle Kara a little bit.

“You should see if Supergirl would ever be willing to write some of those stories down. Share some of that optimistic divine wrath with Earth. Or maybe she could tell you and you could ghostwrite it. You  _ do  _ have a way with words.”

She’s teasing Kara again, lightly, but with the hope that it upsets Kara, but it’s a genuine suggestion. It’s a project, maybe one Kara can take on once they’re no longer friends. Maybe Kara will think of her as she’s writing it. Maybe a piece of Lena will be mingled into the piece of Kara that gets infused into the ink meeting the page. Maybe nobody who reads it will ever recognize them, but there they’ll be regardless, in the words on the paper that will one day turn to dust, read in darkness by the light of the yellow sun they share, reflected off the moon.

Lena knows that in the morning she’ll be faced with all the cynical explanations of whatever this thing between them tonight was, but right now she can’t shake the feeling that Kara is telling her this just because she wants her to know it; even if she doesn’t want her to know she’s Supergirl. That maybe some part of Kara cares about some part of her, outside of whatever diabolical scheme they’re caught up in.

She knows the hangover will come with the sunrise, just as it always does, but right now, after Kara confirms, “you know, that’s a good idea. Maybe I’ll bring that book idea up to her,'' they recline on their respective chairs facing each other, as they gaze at each other with the intensity they usually reserve only for the stars, Lena lets her body relax.

* * *

_ Kara and Lena share a recliner on Lena’s balcony, cuddled up under a blanket, sharing body heat against the creeping autumn chill. They’ve found themselves on this balcony whenever Kara has spent time at Lena’s apartment over the past few months, and as the weather turns cold, neither one of them is willing to give it up. _

_ They usually eat sweets and drink alcohol, while they look up at the stars and share astronomy facts back and forth. Lately, the shared focus has given them a new intimacy, in which they share things they never would while looking at each other in the daylight. _

_ Tonight, Lena tells some quick story of the church she was forced to go to as a child, all of the most selfish and powerful people in Metropolis, meeting to one up each other, once a week, in the name of God. _

_ Instead of protectively defending Lena like she normally does, Kara gets wistful and says, “My parents were...I guess the closest would be pagan? But not exactly” _

_ “My mother was a bit of a pagan herself”, Lena adds with a soft smile. _

_ “Yeah?” Kara asks, head tilted, quizzical, like a puppy. _

_ “My birth mother.” Lena corrects. “A lot of the pagan myths are Celtic, and she kept a piece of it, culturally at least. I remember that about her, but, it's only just a feeling. I lost the specifics. Lillian wouldn’t tolerate anything so  _ ethnic _ in the Luthor mansion” _

_ “I’m sorry”, Kara says with understanding.  _

_ “It’s...sometimes memory’s all you have. And sometimes it’s not enough, you know?” _

_ Kara puts her hand over Lena’s. _

_ “I do know.”, she says with so much conviction that Lena believes her.  _

_ Lena gazes into her eyes until she realizes with a start that this moment was supposed to be about Kara. “I’m so sorry, love, I didn’t mean to - “ _

_ Kara laughs softly as she confirms, “I know you didn’t Lena. It’s more than okay. Thank you for sharing that with me.” She bumps Lena’s shoulder with her own. _

_ Lena looks up at Kara in awe, wondering what she’s been able to do in her life to have the marvel that is Kara Danvers looking at her like  _ that _ after letting her casually share the pieces of herself she’s never given anyone else. Before she gets overwhelmed in her own reverie,  _ again,  _ she presses her temple to Kara’s and prompts, _

_ “so you were telling me about your family…” _

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally listed as two chapters, but then it kind of spiraled into something else. There are now 7 chapters. 
> 
> Come talk to me on tumblr at freewillandphysics


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